Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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