she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
