Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need a hoe opinion
go on
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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