The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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