just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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