Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
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I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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