bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize