And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
