He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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