i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she smelled like a LAN party
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
