tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
