I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
