We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
