dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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