I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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