GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
