I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
