you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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