apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
