Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
