We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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