you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
