they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
