Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
