You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
