This is not my ceiling
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
And then he peed in my hair
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