i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Everyone says I win the strip club
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
