I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
