there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
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