i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
