Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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