I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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