I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
