I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is the high leading the old right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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