Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
