my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
