too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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