Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
