when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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