I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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