and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
