Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
