where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
