really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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