Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
