I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
