just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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