I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize