Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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