Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
