Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
