PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
