wakey wakey hands off snakey
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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