Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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