I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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