Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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